How Not to eBay

Originally published by Matthew on July 20, 2006
Last updated on July 24, 2006

While this is far from the most extreme cases of eBay annoyance you’ll read (no one even got ripped off in this story), I think this is a prime example of someone not understanding the basics of online and email etiquette, and just being too stupid in general to read and retain information that has already been explained to him. This article can hopefully serve two purposes: provide you a good laugh at the expense of my utter frustration, and provide some of you who might be a novice to the likes of eBay a lesson in how NOT to be a really, really annoying buyer.

In June 2006 when I got my new BlackBerry 8700c, I decided to sell my BlackBerry 7290 on eBay like I usually do with my old stuff when I upgrade. I’ve used eBay for a long time — I’ve been a member since 2001 — and am pretty experienced in creating attractive, unambiguous auctions that get people’s attention, answer almost any question they would have, and are very clear about the condition of the device and my policies and payments, returns, etc. I’ve never had any serious problems, and have 100% feedback. Most of the people I’ve dealt with have been very easy to work with.

Given the number of crazy and/or neurotic people in the world, however, my lucky streak was bound to end.

I’ve saved the main content that I posted on the eBay auction and replicated it here (because eBay will only keep the auction data for 90 days), so you can see what I had posted. Especially note what it says about payment and shipping:

I setup a 5 day auction and started the bidding cheap. As usual, I got a few questions. I had two people ask me about shipping to Canada, which I calculated to their locations at about $14 using USPS Priority. I don’t pad shipping like many people do on eBay, I charge what it actually costs. My favorite question was, “hey does this have a mp3 player in it aswell (sic)?” I liked my friend Mike’s response to that: “Duct tape an iPod on the back and sell it for 10x the cost.”

The auction ended with the BlackBerry at $133, which was about what I expected. I got an email indicating I had been paid very shortly after the auction ended, before I had even had a chance to log in and see who won. At first I thought, “Great, a prompt payment! This buyer should be easy to work with.” Ha. As I read the PayPal email on my BlackBerry, I saw that his shipping address was Ontario, Canada. Yet he had paid me $133+$8.50 = $141.50 for US shipping. I was a little annoyed, because I had stated in the auction that shipping was different for Canada, but I saw that the buyer was a new eBayer (feedback of 0) and figured it was just a mistake or a simple oversight. I wrote back to him right away and indicated the cost to ship to Canada was $14, so if he would please send an additional $5.50 I would send it out as soon as I returned home. This is when it started to go downhill. Below begins the litany of the email conversations between us, starting on June 29th, 2006. No, I didn’t make up a pseudonym for this guy (whose real first name is Stefan): all of his emails have the “From:” name of “homer simpson” (just like that, not capitalized).

I sort of wondered about that statement, considering he was a new member and had no feedback, and although he was right to keep an eye on shipping prices $14 is a bargain to ship a package across the border. Now, here’s the part where I started making assumptions. Assumptions like he could read and follow simple instructions. When I got the second payment email indicating he had sent me the additional $5.50, I logged into PayPal to accept the funds — but that’s when I found out that he had paid me with a credit card. I specifically said in the auction that I don’t accept credit cards! To do so, you have to upgrade your PayPal account to a Merchant level account and then they take a percentage off of every transaction, whether it’s a credit card one or not. So now he’s 0 for 2 as far as reading instructions goes. I wrote back to Homer and tried to explain the situation:

Pretty rational, right? I’m not asking for anything out of the ordinary and I’m offering him a couple options.

I thought I was being pretty nice here, and figured he would send me the money order and the matter was settled. Up to this point, I was a little annoyed that he seemed unable to do the math on his own or read the directions in my auction, but I was more or less fine and obviously I was still being patient with him. Everyone has to start on eBay somewhere, and maybe he was just feeling a little overwhelmed. The next sequence of emails though (and by this point we were already way past the number of emails I’ve ever had for an eBay transaction) really started to get me irritated. What it boils down to is that he can’t seem to retain anything I tell him, or anything he saw on the auction itself.

What? I’m pretty sure I said in the auction “The BlackBerry is in perfect condition.” Let me check. Oh yes, I did. And I included pictures. But fine, I’ll send him some more pictures.

This last response seemed innocuous enough at the time, but this is the first sign that the guy doesn’t understand what I call “rhetorical emails” — messages that really don’t require a response. Once he starts acknowledging every message with “ok thanks” messages that don’t actually have any information in them, he’s just cluttering up my Inbox. I already get about 60 legitimate emails a day. I don’t need any more.

So I get home late on the 4th of July and decide I’ll take the pictures the next evening; I figure good ol’ Homer wouldn’t mind giving me a day’s leeway on this, especially since the pictures were for no good reason AND because he knows I’m travelling and so I’m likely busy. Nope: before I even finished dinner the next day he had sent me a nice little “reminder.”

So I send him the pictures. He responds with this:

Are you kidding me? They’re just screws! Things being held together often require them! What does it matter anyway? You already bought the damn thing! But apparently he has nothing better to do than waste my time with innane questions like that.

And that was rhetorical email response #2.

OK I have to concede this one, this was a worthwhile email (although it would have been more worthwhile to ask before he bought it), because I forgot to put this little piece of information in the auction even though all BlackBerrys include a wired handsfree set.

*Sigh* Rhetorical email response #3.

I’m kind of annoyed by this email because it comes as I’m getting home from work and some errands. While of course he can wonder about the status of these things, I think I’ve proven to him beyond the shadow of any reasonable doubt that I can communicate quickly and thoroughly and that I would of course let him know when I got the money order and shipped the BlackBerry. I always let my buyers know when I ship their item. This guy just isn’t giving me a chance to do it.

No #$%^, isn’t that what I just said I was going to do? Rhetorical email response #4.

At the end of the day, before turning in for the evening, I do a wrap-up of emails that I may have been, for whatever reason, unable to get to during the day. So that fact, combined with what I’ve already mentioned about having proven myself able to communicate, caused me even more irritation when he beat me to the punch and again “followed up” prematurely:

Here’s my favorite part of this email: he lies about the date. There is no time change, we’re in the same zone. I don’t know what he hopes to accomplish with this, other than irritate me, but he lied about the date to make it look like he waited longer than he actually did — which is stupid, because he must realize that emails have time stamps. So he emails me on the same day that I already told him I would ship the item and let him know when I did. Just like before, I was about to email him but hadn’t quite gotten to it yet.

Rhetorical email response #5. Argh! Stop sending me worthless responses! I have a BlackBerry for convenience, but it’s annoying when it buzzes for no good reason!

Ok now I’m getting beyond annoyed. Now I’m pissed. I spelled all this out clearly in the auction. Why do I waste my time?

Clearly this jackass can’t read the auction OR emails I’ve already sent him.

Rhetorical email response #6. At this point I’m looking for a way to kill myself with what’s in my pockets — wallet, keys, BlackBerry, a candy wrapper. Nope, nothing quick enough.

Are you #$%ing kidding me. He knows it’s on 4 day priority mail. I told him when it was shipped, how it was shipped, took extra pictures, answered every damn email, and now he wants me to repeat all the shipping information and wants me to tell him what else I sell so he can subject me to this again?? I’m a busy guy, and while I don’t mind going a little out of my way to help someone out I’ve about had it with this guy wasting my time. Here’s how I wanted to respond at this point:

“Homer Simpson–
I realize that you are Canadian, but please stop being such a douchebag and learn to read. Believe it or not, I have better things to do every day than tell you what you already know. Also, if you ever bid on anything I put on eBay again, ever, I will find you and shove your computer so far up your ass that the only way you’ll be sending email is with your bowel movements as attachments.
Sincerely,
Mr. Smithers”

However, I took a breather and answered it nicely:

I’m still trying to keep a pleasant demeanor, you can see, as he fires off rhetorical email response #7. The very next day…

Grow a brain and look at the other email I sent you the last time you harassed me about what day I shipped it! As if I didn’t want to beat him over the head already, the totally random cutesy-ass spelling of “2moro” sealed the deal. My slipping patience is starting to show in my emails from this point on.

Rhetorical email response #8. At this point I’m seriously considering adding his address to my spam filter.

OK, he certainly has a right to be wondering about the package at this point. It has been about 5 business days, and although the post office told me it typically takes 4 days for stuff to get to that address from mine, the USPS is known to have stuff delayed by a day or two. If this had been the only email asking about the package, it would have been no problem at all. However, since he’s been harassing me just about every day about one thing or another I’m finally ready to lose it. First of all, he’s questioning my competency by suggesting I sent it to the wrong address. And even though I know I got the right one on there, how the hell am I supposed to check anyway if I don’t have the damn box in front of me anymore? What does he expect me to do at this point??? I also like the “2pm here in Canada” — as if the whole country is on one time zone.

By this time my friends can tell when I’ve gotten an email from Stefan by the look on my face when I pull out my BlackBerry. Chris quickly suggests to just not respond today, since I seem to want to go completely ape on this guy and then I might lose the positive feedback Stefan’s going to give me after all my hard work. I agreed, and since I was otherwise occupied that day it wasn’t too far of a stretch to just wait until later. He had gotten spoiled with my instant responses anyway. I’ve often dealt with eBay sellers who take days to respond to a question I’ve asked, not minutes. However, I got more emails from him that same day:

Yeah. That last one really pissed me off. Don’t you dare get impatient with me, you little twit, after all the hoops I’ve jumped through for you.

What struck me when he sent this was this was the first time he ever apologized. He didn’t apologize for not paying the right shipping amount (in fact he almost tried to argue it), he didn’t apologize for screwing up and paying with a credit card, and he hasn’t shown any true gratitude for doing stuff like taking extra pictures or given me any leeway on sending him emails, or saying anything about appreciating all the extra time I’m spending catering to his every whim. He wants to know what the holdup is; it’s called you can’t read directions and had to send me a money order, and it’s an international shipment. At this point, I’m thinking we have to be done until he actually gets it. Not quite.

Once again, a stupid and pointless question which I am mostly powerless to answer.

Again, a pointless email. I have told him over and over again that I can’t do anything about getting the package there more quickly, and to only email me once he gets it. Bitching about when he needs it isn’t going to get it there any faster.

Yes!!! We’re done!!!

…wait, I lied:

Are…you…serious. What kind of answer is he looking for here? There are freaking LEDs under the keypad and so of course the keys that are closer to those LEDs are going to be slightly brighter than the ones that are further away…it’s just the way it’s made! Just like those stupid screws on the back he wanted to know about! Leave me alone!

Oh goodie, other than that I’m glad “[you] very satisfied with the product” since I couldn’t do a damn thing about the (very slightly) uneven backlight on the keypad anyway. Or maybe he expected me to take it back, file a complaint with RIM on his behalf for a device they don’t even make anymore, and get him a different one that would wind up looking exactly the same.

Friday, July 21, 8:30 PM: OK, he’s left me feedback, it HAS to be over at this point. Yes, yes, it is over because I won’t answer any more emails from Stefan/homer. Right-click, Add to Blocked Senders. Ahhhh….

In a final irony, here’s the feedback he left:

Good shipping. Hey, I’m glad he’s happy, but after all the complaining about how it wasn’t there yet the last thing I expected was “good shipping.”

Conclusion

So what’s the lesson here, boys and girls? Communication is an excellent thing — I always, always appreciate eBay buyers and sellers who are quick and thorough with communication. This guy, however, was beyond annoying. He was downright rude. He asked things he could have EASILY found out himself just by looking at the auction or at emails I had already sent him, he screwed up the whole initial part of the transaction by not paying correctly — hence I had to wait two extra weeks to get that money into my bank account — and although I never complained to him about when the money order would get here and about how much he inconvenienced me, he has harassed me constantly about when the BlackBerry would get to him even though I have told him every detail and it is completely out of my hands now. Just as much as no communication is considered somewhat rude on eBay, this type of harassment — sort of equivalent to “Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we there yet?” — would also not be looked upon very favorably by most, I assume. I don’t understand why some people can’t take two seconds to try to be a little bit considerate to others and find out something for themselves rather than waste somebody else’s time.

So that’s my most frustrating eBay experience to date. I hope you found it amusing and/or educational with respect to how NOT to be an eBayer.


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