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Rules of the Road

Posted by Matthew on August 15, 2007 at 10:37 pm

Road Rage I drive 120 miles each day on the interstate, so I see a lot of interesting people who seem to call themselves drivers. But even before I began experiencing my current commute, I was known to not withhold my opinions from my fellow passengers about the relative intelligence of some of the other people on the road. Since my wife is fairly tired of hearing me complain, perhaps I can find a somewhat wider audience here for my crusade. Or venting. Whatever.

Crappy drivers of the world, this Bud’s for you:

  1. You have cruise control. Use it. Or at least you probably have cruise control. This is just a guess, but I’d say that at least 85% of cars sold today have this lovely feature. I can probably count on one hand the number of times I’ve been in a car that doesn’t have cruise control. Yet almost every day I wind up jockeying for position with someone who can’t seem to decide if they want to do 65, 80, 70, 85, 75–MAKE UP YOUR MIND! The worst offenders are the ones who seem to unconsciously match speed with whoever’s next to them — so you go to try and pass them, and they speed up; if they go to pass someone else, they slow down. Half an hour of this crap gets really irritating. Pick a speed, press the button. Wow, that was hard.
  2. Tailgating me when I’m behind a dozen other cars cannot make me go faster. Yeah, you in the big, ugly, compensatory Hummer behind me…I can’t even see the bottom of your bumper over my trunk lid. Guess what? You’re not improving the situation. Yeah, I know we’re going 15 mph below the speed limit…see, it’s called rush hour and semi trucks. Trying to kiss my rear bumper only tempts me to slow down even more to piss you off. Or, if I’m ever driving a car I don’t care about, to slam on the brakes (”I thought I saw a deer!”) and collect the insurance money from your sorry butt. Now back off.
  3. If you can’t remember that you activated your turn signal a whole 5 seconds ago, you shouldn’t be driving. Seriously. Turn it off already. Even Alberto Gonzales could remember that, and he said “I don’t recall” 168 times during one Senate hearing. Beyond the memory issue, if you’re that unobservant that you don’t even glance down at your dash a couple times a minute (and you’d better at least be checking your speed, because I know you’re not using cruise control — see item #1) so you might actually notice the bright green blinking arrow, I’d say you have some other issues as well.
  4. If you cut me off, you don’t get to flip me off. Say I’m going along in the left lane, about to pass you, and suddenly you decide that right about now is the time to pass that truck you’ve been behind for several minutes — yeah, right now, when I’m practically next to you. So you go ahead and cut me off, causing me to slam on my brakes and swerve at 75 mph, nearly causing a multi-car pileup in your wake. Then you proceed to flip me the middle finger through the window of your ultra-cool 1995 Dodge minivan. Wait, what? What the hell was that, a preemptive strike? “Hey, I’m an asshole…and just in case you weren’t convinced, here ya go!“
  5. If crap is falling off of your vehicle, PULL OVER! In the last three months, I’ve almost been killed by flying truck tires, car bumpers, and a chair. You can’t tell me that you don’t feel it when your rear bumper is dragging on the pavement, when one of your giant truck tires is one rubber thread away from flying off the wheel at 75 mph, or that you don’t realize that when you don’t tie down furniture in the back of your pickup, it might — just might — become a high-velocity wooden missile. I’m calling the cops on you people from now on. You truckers too — if that tire’s about to fly off, call it quits before you kill someone. I’ve seen a big piece of retread smash the front half of a small car to nothingness. It’s not pretty.

I think that covers the big ones. Any major peeves of yours when driving? Post in the comments.

Tags: Automotive, Culture, Personal
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12 comments

1
Posted by Chris, August 16, 2007 at 11:28 am

6. Right Lane Ends: 2 Miles. This does not mean that you should get into the right lane and fly up to that point of ending and then force your way in. This slows everyone else down. If people just put on your turn signal, somebody will let you in. Yes, for the first few seconds you will slow down but once people get sorted out, the entire line will begin moving faster, thus benefiting everyone. The worst I’ve seen (thank you Chicago) is the people that stay in the lane that is not ending, only to leave it during the last half mile in order to gain 6 car lengths. I always keep an eye out for those people and make sure that if I’m the one they’re trying to cut off in order to get back in the lane, I’m taking them into the big flashing arrow sign.

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Posted by Matt, August 17, 2007 at 5:17 pm

7a. Brake tappers. They’ll send you into a seizure. Every time someone in front of them ever so gently lets off the gas, a bird flies by, there is a car stopped on the opposite side of the divided highway, or a butterfly flaps it’s wings in Kansas, it suddenly becomes necessary to tap the brakes. Most of the time it is such a miniscule effect that the car doesn’t even slow down, making any action by the car behind them unnecessary. The worst effect is when traffic is tight, and the brake tap snowballs. I am certain that multi-mile backups are frequently caused by brake tappers.

3
Posted by Matt, August 17, 2007 at 5:21 pm

7b. Brake slammers. My brother-in-law reffers to it as driving digitally. The driver either puts the pedal to the metal, or brake to the floor. 1 = gas, 0 = brake, no increments in between.

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Posted by Matthew, August 17, 2007 at 10:26 pm

^ “The driver either puts the pedal to the metal, or brake to the floor. 1 = gas, 0 = brake, no increments in between.”

That was like you when we played Need For Speed…Kevin and I using the analog controllers and you with the keyboard. ;-) “WAAAA……WAAAAA…..WAAAAA…..WAAAA!”

5
Posted by Ty, August 18, 2007 at 12:41 pm

You read my mind on this one. Perhaps the one that angers me the most is point number 1. It always seems to happen on a 2 lane highway, too.

Add to that list anyone on a cell phone. On the way to Chicago a couple weeks ago I almost crapped myself when an escalade almost changed lanes into my little civic on I-65. After passing her, giving her a nice up yours honk, and accompanying all this with my middle finger I noticed she was on a cell phone. Pay attention to the road, please -.-

6
Posted by Meg, August 19, 2007 at 11:35 pm

Stopping while trying merge onto the highway. You will die. Because I will kill you stupid Alabama driver.

7
Posted by Matthew, August 20, 2007 at 7:01 am

@Meg: Yes! I can’t believe I forgot about that one! I hate the idiots who take the on-ramp like they’re out for a leisurely Sunday cruise, and are only going 35 or 40 mph by the time they have to merge with traffic, and just can’t understand why it’s so hard. And of course I’m right behind them, afraid we’re about to get crushed by the truck coming up on us a 75mph.

Me, I love on-ramps — they’re the closest thing to curvy roads we have here in central Indiana — so I take them like a sports car driver and am usually going *faster* than the traffic I’m merging into by the time I reach the highway.

8
Posted by Eric, August 21, 2007 at 12:51 pm

One rule (law) that I find astonishing that people like to break is crossing railroad tracks when the lights are blinking and the arm is on it’s way down.

I take the train into, and out of, Chicago everyday, and you wouldn’t believe how many times I’m standing there waiting, I hear and see the railroad crossing warning system activate, but along with that sound I also hear the revving of the engines of all the cars approaching it.

I can understand if there is no way you could stop in time for you to punch the gas to get across, but when there is plenty of time, and space, to stop, well then maybe you should.

The worse was this morning when I heard one of Crystal Lake’s finest (city cop) punch the gas to beat the railroad arm coming down.

9
Posted by hallbf, August 25, 2007 at 12:51 pm

^
Oh that kind of crap pisses me off. I’m getting sick and tired of changing gate arms because some idiot either thinks they can beat the train or is so engrossed in their telephone conversation that they don’t even see a 20′ reflective red and white gate arm complete with two flashing red lights and one solid red light in front of them that they crash through said gate, smashing out their windshield and cutting their face.

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Posted by 1 in 6 American drivers would flunk test | RogersMJ.com, May 23, 2008 at 8:03 am

[...] road and would flunk a written driving test were they forced to take one. Frankly, given how much stupid crap I see during my commute every day, I’m surprised it’s only 1 in 6 who fail. A couple of the biggest problem areas were [...]

11
Posted by nick, May 23, 2008 at 7:20 pm

8. Keep Right Except to Pass. Why is that so bloody hard to understand? If you’re driving the exact same speed as the person in front of you, why do you have to stay at a 45ยบ angle from their bumper (which more often than not puts you in their blindspot, making it a double-stupid move)?! Get behind them or pass them you fool! The left-lane huggers are my biggest peeve during my commute, its bad enough that Semi’s pick the most inopportune times to occupy the left lane for 8 miles, its worse when some jerk is camping there so he can go 66MPH while everybody in the right lane is going 65MPH, and everybody behind him in the left lane is wanting to drive the ‘normal’ 80MPH…

12
Posted by Bob, June 25, 2008 at 12:33 am

During the summer I live in the Des Moines, IA area. I think its the worst I have ever seen it here: people texting while driving. Unfortunately it is my age group (I’m 18), and I have seen my own friends get into accidents because of it. At least the people who are talking on the phone have their eyes on the road!



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